Quickly jumping back to an update

So where am I now?

Well that's a novel in itself.

I'm working for the PC(USA) in Louisville. That's right, the HQ, the GAC, the hub of Presbyterian activity (or is it). I never realized before how little I knew about the Presbyterian world, at least in a sense of the realities of said center. Turns out there's a lot of animosity towards the "bureaucrats" here, and it seems they're biggest antagonizer is the Layman itself. Everyone carries an edge of cynicism and distrust, or at least fear, since downsizing is a common practice (I feel like maybe I've known this and just never dwelt on it; it's still a very hard reality to face, working there). Recently there was a restructuring and there's been a new director appointed to the area in which I work. As far as I'm concerned he is a very genuine person with a true heart for mission and I wish him the best in staying that way. He hasn't lost his idealism and I pray he never does. There are a lot of great liberal minds here, and I love the diversity. I hate that so many people are distrusting of them and how many of them are distrusting of themselves.

Anyway, that makes me realize I haven't said what I'm actually doing. I'm the intern for the Mission Service Recruitment office which recruits for all types of mission work, nearest and dearest to my heart of which is the Young Adult Volunteers program. Yes, that amazing program I left hanging just this past year. It's an exciting job. I get to travel around and recruit at colleges, retreats, mission and job fairs, etc. It's a little stressful and I feel like I'm not doing as much as I should right now, but I'm dealing with it. This season is always a little slow and I'm waiting until next month when I'll be out of the office for most of the month of November. It's going to be tiring and stressful, I can't deny that I'm worried about that. But I think it will be healthy and it will give Thanksgiving a new meaning. And OH how I am looking forward to Thanksgiving (after having not so much missed it last year as just celebrated it in a much different way).

Anyways, the perks are grand. Lots of air travelling, which I, as an anomaly, am in love with. Airports are one of my favorite places. Raw emotions, people watching. It's a grand thing. Lots of introspective time. I swear there is not a place on Earth that can rival the inexplicable ability of an airport to give you alone time with so many people around. Some people call that "alone in a crowd" and generally associate it with something negative. But there is just something about it that I love having in small doses (granted, I don't want to live like that). I also get an office, business cards, and a laptop. Granted, the office is regularly invaded by freebie grazers, the business cards are, for now, the former intern's cards with her name whited-out and mine written in, and the laptop is really my office computer on a base. I can't complain though. I'm kind of in love with the people with whom I work. We all talk about our lives and make fun of one another in that way that says "I'm laughing with you not at you" (like the other day when I was supposedly 'dressed up' and Celia insisted I had a date that night or was trying to impress some guy; everyone had a great laugh at that). During the Halloween season, Marsha is racking up her score on how many times she can sneak up and scare the bejezus out of me while my back is turned. Having my friend Essie in the office is great, but she's always warning me to not ALWAYS act so childishly or people won't take me seriously (and she does that with a wink and a smile). We have fun in my office. I've gotten called out for skipping down the hall and there's always a dance party to be had. Oh and to jump back a minute in my scattered way, the freebies, or rather the giveaways I take on recruiting trips, are kind of a fun way to make new friends.

Still. The nature of the work has got me doing a lot of thinking on mission, call, social activism, all that jazz. My mind has been working non-stop these days. I have got to get out of my head. I'm worried, for one, about what I'm going to do with my life. I can't keep up this year-at-a-time lifestyle, even if I'm barely into the second year of it. I guess that's the way my college life and society has shaped me (oh dear God, did I call out society again? People have got to stop blaming that intangible thing). There's this idea that you have to be doing something by the time you're as old as I am (and for the love, 23 is so freakin' young). I have no idea, and I'm ok with that. But there's some other me, that somehow lives inside me, prodding me and poking me and freaking out about the fact that "we" have no clue what "we" love in this life. That's still the issue: I don't really "love" anything. I'm still the same old transient, restless girl that I always have been (that Mary Poppins without the nanny business). And I'm going to fret about that until I die I'm sure. But now I've somehow piled on top of that this intention that I need to be doing something that has an intention of social activism. This grand idea of "vocational discernment" which has an inherent necessity, in my mind, of not just having a job, but being called to something. And that calling carries with it the inherent necessity of working for others not just myself. It's not a novel idea, people. It's funny how I'm always looking back and realizing that maybe I always knew something but I never really "knew" it. Sometimes it takes naming. In other words, I'm sure I've always known and felt a need to have whatever I do have some element of social justice, but I've never really taken it to heart, or realized it fully and consciously.

Really that idea gets me nowhere new. It doesn't help in the quest.

The other thing that's bothering me is I'm still not paying attention to the world at large. I mean, can browsing the Bulatlat site from time to time count as keeping up with the Philippines? And ask me how many times I've checked out the news in the past few months. I'm a lazy lazy lady. You know what? I'm done with that thought, I'm not going to unpack it.

So I'm living in Louisville. I moved here, well I'm not sure WHEN I moved here.

I did the YAV Interpretation Team. That helped a lot in the processing of my Philippines voyage that was a long time coming. I developed a "story" to tell (which was really an adaptation of two of my posts from this blog). I went to...oh...ten colleges in TN and NC with another YAV who served in Ghana. It was quite the trek and let me tell you, it was EXHAUSTING. But I met so many collegiates who, although they haven't spent four months in another country, inspire me with their intention of seeing the world and not just seeing mission in a sense of "missioning" to others, but being "missioned" to. It makes me a little embarrassed of PC and what little it does to provide opportunities for service both nationally and internationally. I mean, maymesters do NOT count in my opinion, that's not really seeing the world or learning about other people (although I commend them for the recent study abroad program that was offered in Cuba, how fantastic). I wish I could boast the maturity and intelligence of some of the people I've met. I wish I could boast the number of places they've been. I wish I could boast being as comfortable with cultures as they are. Again, they inspire me.

So...really I moved to Louisville after that even though I was employed by the PC(USA) before then and had already had my new employee orientation (I don't know that I necessarily need a 403(b) plan at my age and for only being employed there for a year).

I'm living in an adorable apartment in the top of a carriage house. It's in Old Louisville, which is beautiful (and hosts the annual St. James Art Fair, right on my street in fact). The house we're behind is too cute. I live with another Young Adult Intern (oh yeah, did I mention my internship is a part of a larger program?) who is great. She just graduated from McCormick. I know with this set up I'll get on her nerves (and probably have) more than she'll get on mine. I'm not embarrassed to say I was scared of the set-up to begin with. Who wouldn't be scared of living with someone they'd never met? But it turns out that we've gotten into some amazing conversations, mostly about racism and sexuality, often times sparked by episodes of Scrubs (which I think I may have gotten her hooked on). Isn't that just too...whatever word I'm looking for...cute? funny? We admitted to each other a fear of sounding unintelligent around people (which maybe I shouldn't be confessing for her). I have that fear so often, I always want to have something profound and thought-provoking to say. But there was a comfort in that. And for what it's worth, she has already, in the few conversations we've had, made me question some of my own truths and things I've thought. And being the stubborn, shut off person that I am, that's a amazing accomplishment on her part.

Oh and my room is Carolina Blue. Could you even ask for anything better?!

I'm in love with Louisville as a city. I didn't think I liked cities really. I mean, I'll always love Charlotte for what it means to me. But Roanoke and Asheville, my loves, are rather small. Still, this city is more amazing every day. There are so many things going on, so many thoughts being had, so many people to meet. And still it's cozy. There are corners to get lost in (like this coffee shop) and open spaces to walk through.

I park every day next to the Louisville Slugger Field and start the day off content with my life. I walk down the edge of the park next to the river and revel in it. I can't believe how I haven't gotten over the water (since I get over things so quickly). There is something wonderful about bridges and I hope one day I'll figure out why I love them so much. When it rains I don't mind, and even a gloomy day outside is good. I don't think I've really been sad since I've been here, and if I have I don't remember it. Maybe it's because of other things going on my life right now, but even with so much on my mind, I can't say I'm not comfortable and satisfied daily. My job stresses me out. But I guess it's supposed to. I'm not used to or ok with being in an office. It's not for me, but there's learning something else about myself. I hate that there's the expectation to complain about your job, though. It's like, no matter how you really feel about your job, how much, when you really step back and think about it, you really like it, you're always supposed to answer with a scoff and a huff when someone asks you how it's going. Well I don't, and I'm not going to.

I'm worried these days when I say I'm happy with life. I've lied to myself before, over and over again until I believe it, that now that I just happen to believe something, I'm skeptical that I've just lied to myself until I've believed it. But no, I'll say it again, I'm happy.